Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Found the puke drawer
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
