Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
my poor anus
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
