wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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