at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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