the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sober January is a disaster.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
