Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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