i think my tv is drunk
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
