Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
