i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
