Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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