Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
