the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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