other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
