I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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