Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
