She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
