I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
