I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize