I'm jealous of your bromance
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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