My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
