What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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