He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
