it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
