I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I AM VODKA MAN
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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