why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
