He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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