i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
