alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize