Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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