ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
