Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
