I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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