The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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