My underwear smells like fireworks.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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