Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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