Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
