mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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