$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize