There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
