Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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