I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
