I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
