dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
