You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Pants are for mortals
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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