he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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