Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize