i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
