its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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