does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
