remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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