There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
