true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
