I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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