oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
