talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
