And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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