I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i drank out of a bidet.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Randomize
