and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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