You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize